ASKING the "WHY?"

 This is a post from a lady named Angela in the Crossroads Church!  She has walked a path that is difficult and hard!  Her son Matthew has cancer.  He is an amazing little boy with incredible courage and faith!  

I remember the day when we thought that Matthew would not make it. We were at Hopkins, standing and watching him decline, and I thought “wow, I am going to lose my baby.” It literally brought Dave and I to our knees. Before this, we had  just found out a month before that he had leukemia. Now, blood clots? To say that we have had our share of pain over the last few years, is an understatement. The reality is everyone will have pain and suffering. The million dollar question is “WHY?” I am reading, along with my book club, “Where is God When It Hurts?” by Philip Yancey. Last night, I read a section that gave my struggle over the last few years such clarity. When we suffer from pain, we want to know why, and have continued to play with this question.  We have called our pastor- surely he would tell us. Thankfully, he told the truth- we don’t know why. I have continued to turn to our pastor, with the why, hoping maybe this man of God would hold the answers.  Why do kids have to suffer, why is our marriage suffering, why is my back and body failing when I have to be strong, why is my son in such constant suffering, why do kids die, so many of them, why do we have to worry about money on top of everything else, why do I feel the need to fix the pain myself with a lot of stuff that doesn’t work?, why is Ryan having such developmental issues, why , why , why….

For me, the core issue is cancer and children dying and suffering. That is the root causeof my pain. I will never know this answer to why because I am not God.  However, I have learned the absolute truth- I must look to God and this is the important part, and my response is key. The whys will drive me crazy. The whys will force me to look for my own answers, which always turn into a disaster. The whys have caused me pain, guilt, and misery.  I focus on the pain, and then try to fix that on my own- through a variety of unhealthy and sometimes “healthy” means.  Job spent 37 chapters with his friends asking why. God answers  by reminding him of just who God is. We are not God. We will not know why.

What freedom there is in this! Matthew and the other children that I have met do not walk around with the whys and all that comes with them. They just want to live life- go to school, be with friends, be hugged, played with. Matthew has to walk on tippy toes, has chronic headaches, chronic nausea, falls a lot, and a whole lot of things I am quite sure he does not even mention. Yet, he does not sit around and ask why this happened to him and not others. The question does not consume him. He looks forward and is filled with love and that excitement for life. Everyday is the best day- he actually says this at the end of most days- “that was the best day ever”.  I write this because it has taken me so long to KNOW this. I have heard it and read it so many times. But I know it, now. Trust God. Love Him. Lean on Him. This is the only way.